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“Oh, I’m sorry.” “Sorry.” ” So sorry.” These are the phrases I learned at my mother’s knee. But never sorry not sorry.

I said “sorry” at school, with my friends. Anywhere. Everywhere. In many different ways.

The truth is, I was dissing myself out of habit, and not one I had invented.

It was as though I had to be perfect. Or take up no space. And since those things aren’t possible, the “sorry” word was my “get out of shame-jail” card. It was my excuse for being … human.

Only here’s the deal. I was shaming myself. Minimizing myself. Dissing myself.

Here’s why this common habit takes such a huge toll on you. In English, and probably most languages, “I’m sorry” is both and expression that excuses and an IDENTITY statement.

As in “I AM SORRY at MY CORE” —  the core of your being. And it’s not accurate.

Chances are you’re just fine — a normal human doing the best you can, every day.

Know this: Our neuroscientists’ research? It shows that our human brains don’t have the structure to distinguish between those two uses — the Identity use and the “get out of shame-jail” use. And because your brain can’t distinguish, saying any version of that phrase is the #1 Way we women diss ourselves.

Are you really a sorry person?  NOPE. You’re fine.

Are you a sorry excuse for a person? NO!  And it’s time to stop that. Help is here.

Know this … those “sorry” phrases are just one of many ways a culture — our culture — subtly and systematically guides women to disrespect, minimize and believe we are somehow less-than.

I’m glad you’re on your way to prying these bits of crazy-making out of your life!  Here we go …

What to do instead and how does Demi Lovato’s famous Sorry Not Sorry phrase help us build a new habit anyway?

Here’s how you can build a better habit that lets you show the world that You Respect YOU. And when you do, they’re likely to as well.

  1. Notice the locations and situations where you have said it
  2. Jot them down! (on a small notebook or the Notes app on your phone)
    • Where were you?
    • Who were you with?
    • To whom did you say that phrase?
    • What were you trying to avoid? <– SUPER IMPORTANT
  3. Ask yourself “what was I trying to avoid?” and maybe “What was I trying to get?” THANK yourself, in a spirit of Gratitude.
  4. Then ask, “how can I instead, make this a moment to connect?”
    • Jot it down … ask for another.
    • Take 2-3 minutes to review it at the end of your day.
  5. Think about where you’ll be & what you can say instead, next time

Here’s how it worked, and still does, for one of my clients (with permission).

She began by wanting a better habit. An empowering habit — for HER, her peace of mind, for the future she wanted.

She got to a quiet place (her parked car) and took 5-10 minutes to think about the past few hours.

With gratitude, she noticed some of her “I’m sorry” moments, and  spoke them into her phone’s Notes app. She used the list above as her guide.

  • Where was I?
  • Who was I with?
  • To whom did I say that phrase?
  • What was I trying to avoid?      <– SUPER IMPORTANT!

She called the note her Sorry Not Sorry Recovery Journal.  If paper works for you, a small spiral notebook, such as a small 2″x3″ spiral works great, and fits in a purse or pocket.

Then she asked herself the “what was I trying to avoid?” question. The “what was I trying to get?” question.

For her, it was avoiding blame. Avoiding shame. Avoiding taking up space. A verbal barb. The list went on and on.

Now for the juicy part …

Gratitude

After each question, after each answer, she said to herself “Thank you.”  “Thank you for being honest with me.” “Thank you for caring about me” “Thank you for being direct with me.”

Turning to the last question, she thought about her next day. Where she would be, and what connecting comment might she say instead, and noted them. She reviewed them that evening, just before turning out the light.

When we checked in (accountability and celebration are super important!) she was better. And day-by-day, she found herself Sorry Not Sorry empowered, by using her new phrases instead. Phrases of connection, of honor — for herself and for the others around her.

The first step of empowerment is .. Empower Yourself.

Join us at our 13 Second Women’s Empowerment FB Group and get more empowerment — including our Sorry Not Sorry 5-Day Challenge.

To Your Success,
Dorothy

PS – Get more secrets to empowering yourself @ dorothykuhn.com/Gift  — as my Grandma would say, ‘ain’t nobody else gonna be doing it’ 😉

PPS – PLUS, more about this in our Free FB Group @ https://www.facebook.com/groups/352097885380460/

Props to the amazing Demi Lovato

Sorry Not Sorry
Payback is a bad bitch
And baby, I’m the baddest
Now I’m out here looking like revenge
Feelin’ like a ten, the best I ever been
And yeah, I know how bad it must hurt
To see me like this, but it gets worse (wait a minute)
Now you’re out here looking like regret
Ain’t too proud to beg, second chance you’ll never get
And yeah, I know how bad it must hurt to see me like this
But it gets worse (wait a minute)
Now payback is a bad bitch
And baby, I’m the baddest
You fuckin’ with a savage
Can’t have this, can’t have this (ah)
And it’d be nice of me to take it easy on ya, but nah
Baby, I’m sorry (I’m not sorry)
Baby, I’m sorry (I’m not sorry)
Being so bad got me feelin’ so good
Showing you up like I knew that I would
Baby, I’m sorry (I’m not sorry)
Baby, I’m